degrassifandomcom-20200223-history
Talk:Watch Out Now/@comment-3575890-20150227001135/@comment-3575890-20150227022409
Thanks you guys. I appreciate that I can vent my feelings without fear of rejection or judgement. I don't know what I would do if I didn't have that liberty. I feel like in my immediate life, I can't talk to anybody because try as they might, they always just end up telling me things that make me feel worse about myself. I have long since learned to never confide in my dad about anything because, as much as I love him, he is extremely apathetic, does not understand, and responds with anger. These characteristics of his destroyed our relationship in the past that then took years to salvage, so I am going to try to leave him out as much as possible. My mom is much more supportive and understanding, but she doesn't quite grasp the gravity of the situation either. She believes my problems can be fixed conditionally no matter how many times I've tried to explain to her that my condition is not a fleeting emotion, but a state of being that I cannot control and that nothing materialistic of circumstantial can fix it. I could win the lottery, and I would still feel this way. It hurts me so much that my loved ones in my immediate life just don't understand this. It makes me feel so alone, and worse yet, that I am a burden to them. I try SO HARD to hold it in because I don't want people to worry about me, but sometimes I feel like I could break from all of the strength and will power it takes for me to put on this face every day. It seems the only person in my immediate life who truly understands at all is my brother, which isn't a shock because he's always been a very progressive kid, and over these last couple of years, he himself suffered from it (granted, he's bounced back good as new since getting over his ex and meeting someone else, which is SUCH a relief). Of course, then my parents wonder why I turn only to him and him to me when we need to vent out pent up emotions. I swear, Depressive Disorder has to be the most misunderstood disease there is, and the term, "depressed" most colloquially thrown around. I cannot stand when, whenever I do let down my walls for people and try to confide in them, they just ask, "why are you depressed?" Because I have depression. Would you ask somebody with a terminal illness WHY they are sick? Ugh, I'm sorry, I went off into a tangent. I'm just honestly in so much pain all the time and I don't know how much more I can take of having to pretend I'm okay. I can't trick myself into thinking this when my body is telling me something else entirely. I am ill. I am really fucking ill, and I just don't know what to do. I am getting help. I WILL get help very soon - in fact, I plan to make an appointment with a psychologist this weekend because I've let this control my life for way too long. It's been 11 years. I just want to be free of this. But I am so fearful that I am beyond help. @Rob I've said this many times over, but your heart of gold never ceases to touch me to my inner core. Your empathy is such a beautiful thing, Rob. I only wish my family could be as understanding and supportive as you. You have overcome so much and I admire your strength and courage more than you'll ever know. You are such an inspiration to me. Thank you so much. <3